Big Brother

I have just sat down with a cuppa tea and some jammy dodgers to enjoy this weeks Heat Magazine, only to be put right off. I don't mean to be funny, but I ain't half sick of this whole Big Brother racist stuff still being in the news... I mean seriously, I know what it is like to have people being racist, my Winston's Mum and Dad won't even come and visit little Winston Jr cos he is a half breed, and the woman in me local newsagents the other day called him a 'little monkey'.

Anyway, I was annoyed to hear that Jo from S Club (I still aint sure if it's a boy or a girl) is all upset cos since he/she has left the Big Brother house he/she has been having nightmares about mirrors and helicopters... yes mirrors and helicopters. Christ love get a grip, you should be here on a night when I have something that climbs into me bed, and believe me it ain't human, and I don't like anyone coming into my bed univited.

But really is Jo mad? She's been living the life of riley since she come out that house, she's been staying in some plush hotel with room service and everything, and I bet she got free porn. And cos she's been so scared for her life she's lost nearly two stone. If I could lose two stone in a month I would be over the moon, so I really don't know what she's moaning about.

Britney

Poor old Britney, my third favourite pop princess, after Tiffany and Debbie Gibson, is having a terrible time at the moment. I wish the newspapers would leave her alone. Having two children, well one was taken into care, I know what it is like to be a single Mum. It's hard work. I don't blame her for shaving all her hair off. If I could make thousands of pounds on ebay for shaving off my hair I would!

What people don't realise is that being a Mum is hard work. You have to think about the little buggers all the time. My Tameesha used to be a right nightmare, always crying and wanting attention. Thankfully little Winston Jr has something they call Asparagus Syndrome so he ain't so bad, as he likes spending time on his own. But I can tell you now if I had the money I would be checking myself into that Treatment Center where Britney is. It's sounds so lovely, no kiddies to look after, its got a few pools and one with bubbles, the bedrooms come with huge super king size beds, plasma tv's and free dvd's and everything, though I don't think you are allowed to watch porn, as I guess some of the people going there are sex addicts, like that man that is married to that Catherine Zeta Jones.

I am quite jealous of Britney really, as she can have different hairstyle everyday. They do some wonderful wigs. I used to like the ones on Shepherds Bush Market... I heard that Gail Porter used to get her hair from there.

Magicians Assistant

Over the last few years I have been wanting to make some money, so I have been looking into different ways of doing that without having to do some dreadful job. Believe me after two days working in a condom factory and a terrible allergic reaction to the rubber, with not even a chance to test out the products, I decided to never again take a job I don't enjoy.

So after a lot of thinking, I decided that I need a job where I can use my skills from previous jobs, which have only really been singing, dancing, stripping and a bit of escorting. That is when I decided that a way of doing all of those things is to be a Magicians Assistant, look at that Debbie Magoo!

So yesterday I went along to the Blackpool Magic Convention. I hadn't been to Blackpool before, it makes Margate look posh. I loved the fact that everywhere you go there you can smoke.

The magic convention was very good. I got to see all the different acts, some of which were very good and some which were rubbish, especially some smarmy git who was meant to be able to read minds, which he can't, as all I was thinking was that I could tell he would expect me to do dirty favours to him if I was his assistant.

The good thing about going was that I got to by some new props for my act. The first thing I got hold of there was some Dove Pans, these are pans where you can magic out Dove's from... I still haven't got the hang of it yet though, but it aint to bad as I am not using real doves, I am using Pigeons.

So far I have got through six pigeons already today. The first one lost his beak, the second ones head got crushed, the third ones legs got ripped off, I won't even describe what happened to the other three. I definately need more practise before I can use it as a part of my Magician's Assistant demonstration.

I am hoping that in time for next years Magic Convention I will be ready to give a demonstration of my magic skills. Little Winston Jr loves it, he has spent all morning playing with this flash paper stuff that just sets itself alight, though I weren't impressed when he nearly set light to me net curtains!