My New Shoes

I love em. It took me ages to get a pair in me size, as every kid on the estate was down JD Sports getting em.

Thankfully me mate Wayne came across a pair of size 4's on his last 'shopping spree' in Chigwell. He got lucky and come across a right posh house that was having some kiddies birthday so whilst they were playing pin the tail on the donkey he managed to get in and nick all the presents.

Little Winston Jr thought Christmas had come early, we got a Mr Frosty, Operation, 2 Bratz Dolls, a Pink Nintendo DS and five games. I'm delighted as I finally got me Heely shoes, so I can now do knock and run and get a head start. Especially if I am posting Russell's shit through me annoying Neightbours doors.

International Donkey Week!

It's international donkey week.... can you believe it, a whole week dedicated to donkeys.

Little Winston Jr and I have decorated our flat and got party hats etc.. for Russell. We even made him a cake, well me brother made it, though the silly bugger didn't tell me it was a hash cake and poor Russell ended up having an epileptic fit and little Winston Jr ate all me cheese.

What I don't get is that apparently, according to The Donkey Sanctuary, they have a waiting list for people that want donkeys... I aint had any offers for Russell, not one, and doubt that I will now seeing as that since that bloody cake his fits have become more frequent! I can't afford to keep buying the foam to attach to his hooves, so he don't do anymore damage to me flat!

From Smary to Barmy

I just don't get it?

If Scotland declared themselves as independent from the UK elections, then why when Tony Blair retires are we ending up with a Scottish Man running our country? It just doesn't seem right. If those Scottish people didn't want to be a part of our government anymore, why are we ending up with their dregs?

Shouldn't we be allowed to vote for the new leader of our country? I myself would have voted for that man with the dog. He always seemed ever so nice to me, as there ain't many men who show so much commitment to an animal, he went everywhere with that dog. Whatever happened to him?

It's a shame that really nice man they named that Bitter after died, as I always wanted him to be PM. He looked like he had soft hands, before he died that was, I should imagine by now they are rather decayed or just bones with a little bit of flesh left on them.

I'm back

Yes, it been ages, and I'm sorry. That bloody Richard Branston cut off Tylers cable cos we was protesting at having no SKY channels, which means he no longer has Wireless I can piggyback on. I knew we should have just stopped buying his pickle.

It's taken me the last four weeks to crack the passwords that me selfish neighbours have on their broadband - but finally I have managed to work out Mr Theodopolopodis' by going through the menu at the local Greek restaurant, fat git.

I never got enough money to go to the US of A, as me take over of Cash Converters didn't go to plan, as it turns out the reason they shut down was cos all the stuff was knock off... so all I ended up making was £30.48 selling knock off fags to the local kids.

No one has made any offers for Russell, nothing...

But I am now back, so look out for me updates!

Coming To America!

I am so excited! Tyler the geek who lives downstairs, tells me I now have friends in America! So last night I made up me mind that I'm gonna come and see y'all! I've always wanted to go America, especially Dallas, after that film dedicated to me name, though I spell mine with one B and no E.

So me plan is to fly to New York and then do a little road trip across America, like that Thelma and Louise, though I'll be keeping away from the edge of cliffs.

The only problem is Russell, none of the airlines will take him, and I ain't got no one to look after him. So unless I can persuade American Airlines that he's not a donkey, little Winston Jr's going to have to stay at home and look after him.

Apparently I could send Russell by boat but I can only swim with armbands and after seeing that Titanic film I'm too scared to even go on a pedalo.

Now I've just gotta find the money to go... luckily the local Cash Converters closed down recently for selling stolen goods, so I think I'll take over that market and hopefully I'll be able to afford the plane ticket in the next week!

Another One

I mean really, are they mad? Who the hell would want four kids under the age of five?

Little Winston Jr is a right little shit at times, and he's got Asparagus syndrome, so I'm a lucky one! I dread to think what Brad and Angie's must be like... and I am not sure how they would be able to talk to the kids, as they would all speak a different language.

Though if I could afford a plane ticket to somewhere exotic, I would buy a baby, as it would be worth the investment, as that Tony Blair gives out more money once you've got more than one kid, and even more if you bought one that was disabled, though that ain't no good to me as the lift here still don't work, so god knows how i'd get it up 29 flights of stairs.

Mothers Day

Yesterday was dire as I had to put up with me Mum and Gran, who stinks of piss cos her bag keeps leaking, all bloody day.

Me Mum is a right ungrateful bitch. I took her round flowers and she moaned that they were morbid. I thought she would like some flowers arranged to say Mum... it ain't my fault, there ain't much choice at Mill Hill Cemetry on a Sunday morning!

I'd have been pleased if I got somethink like that... all I got was an empty cigarette packet stuffed full of bits of Russell's tail hair and fag butts from Little Winston Jr.