Coming To America!

I am so excited! Tyler the geek who lives downstairs, tells me I now have friends in America! So last night I made up me mind that I'm gonna come and see y'all! I've always wanted to go America, especially Dallas, after that film dedicated to me name, though I spell mine with one B and no E.

So me plan is to fly to New York and then do a little road trip across America, like that Thelma and Louise, though I'll be keeping away from the edge of cliffs.

The only problem is Russell, none of the airlines will take him, and I ain't got no one to look after him. So unless I can persuade American Airlines that he's not a donkey, little Winston Jr's going to have to stay at home and look after him.

Apparently I could send Russell by boat but I can only swim with armbands and after seeing that Titanic film I'm too scared to even go on a pedalo.

Now I've just gotta find the money to go... luckily the local Cash Converters closed down recently for selling stolen goods, so I think I'll take over that market and hopefully I'll be able to afford the plane ticket in the next week!

Another One

I mean really, are they mad? Who the hell would want four kids under the age of five?

Little Winston Jr is a right little shit at times, and he's got Asparagus syndrome, so I'm a lucky one! I dread to think what Brad and Angie's must be like... and I am not sure how they would be able to talk to the kids, as they would all speak a different language.

Though if I could afford a plane ticket to somewhere exotic, I would buy a baby, as it would be worth the investment, as that Tony Blair gives out more money once you've got more than one kid, and even more if you bought one that was disabled, though that ain't no good to me as the lift here still don't work, so god knows how i'd get it up 29 flights of stairs.

Mothers Day

Yesterday was dire as I had to put up with me Mum and Gran, who stinks of piss cos her bag keeps leaking, all bloody day.

Me Mum is a right ungrateful bitch. I took her round flowers and she moaned that they were morbid. I thought she would like some flowers arranged to say Mum... it ain't my fault, there ain't much choice at Mill Hill Cemetry on a Sunday morning!

I'd have been pleased if I got somethink like that... all I got was an empty cigarette packet stuffed full of bits of Russell's tail hair and fag butts from Little Winston Jr.

Hello China!

Me nerdy mate Tyler, who lives in the flat below, tells me that people are viewing me site from all over the world. Apparently I have friends in China from Taipei, Chengdu, Jinan and even somewhere called somethink like Ping-a-ling!

Other than the man in me local Chinese Takeway I don't actually know any Chinese people. In fact I am not sure that he is actually Chinese, as he said he comes from Peckham. Though he is ever so nice, as he always gives little Winston Jr the left over batter from the sweet and sour chicken balls.

I ain't ever been to China, though I've been to China Town in London and I do like your food. So to all me new friends from China, Welcome!

Russell

Seriously, does no one want him?

He's only had two owners, me and little Winston Jr, and before that some dirty little gypsy man from Margate, who we rescued him from, as he looked like the sort to do pervy stuff with animals.

I would keep him here as he is ever so friendly, but we just aint got the room, and I am sick of waking up in the middle of the night with his tail in me mouth and slipping in his shit when I get up for a waz.

National No Smoking Day

Balls to it!

It's bad enough that on the 1st July we're no longer going to be allowed to smoke in our locals, thanks to that bloody Tony Blair... I would have thought he would have liked us smoking, seeing the amount of money he makes off our fags.

Well Tone, I am gonna be smoking away today and up until 1st July, but you aint gonna be getting a penny from me fags, as me mate Shaniqua has moved to Lanzarote and is gonna post me fags from now on!

Thanks Ken

I am right annoyed. I got a fine in the post today cos that bloody Ken Livingstone's gone and extended the congestion charging zone! Well thanks a bunch... 80 quid is a lot of money to a single mother on benefit. I was gonna spend this weeks benefit on the new Grand Theft Auto Game for little Winston Jr's X Box, me weeks supply of Lambert and Butler and Jammy Dodgers, instead it's gonna end up in that greedy bastards piggy bank.

Don't the government get enough tax off us from our fags and booze! I hope you're happy Ken, I have a very unhappy little boy here.