Coming To America!

I am so excited! Tyler the geek who lives downstairs, tells me I now have friends in America! So last night I made up me mind that I'm gonna come and see y'all! I've always wanted to go America, especially Dallas, after that film dedicated to me name, though I spell mine with one B and no E.

So me plan is to fly to New York and then do a little road trip across America, like that Thelma and Louise, though I'll be keeping away from the edge of cliffs.

The only problem is Russell, none of the airlines will take him, and I ain't got no one to look after him. So unless I can persuade American Airlines that he's not a donkey, little Winston Jr's going to have to stay at home and look after him.

Apparently I could send Russell by boat but I can only swim with armbands and after seeing that Titanic film I'm too scared to even go on a pedalo.

Now I've just gotta find the money to go... luckily the local Cash Converters closed down recently for selling stolen goods, so I think I'll take over that market and hopefully I'll be able to afford the plane ticket in the next week!

Another One

I mean really, are they mad? Who the hell would want four kids under the age of five?

Little Winston Jr is a right little shit at times, and he's got Asparagus syndrome, so I'm a lucky one! I dread to think what Brad and Angie's must be like... and I am not sure how they would be able to talk to the kids, as they would all speak a different language.

Though if I could afford a plane ticket to somewhere exotic, I would buy a baby, as it would be worth the investment, as that Tony Blair gives out more money once you've got more than one kid, and even more if you bought one that was disabled, though that ain't no good to me as the lift here still don't work, so god knows how i'd get it up 29 flights of stairs.

Mothers Day

Yesterday was dire as I had to put up with me Mum and Gran, who stinks of piss cos her bag keeps leaking, all bloody day.

Me Mum is a right ungrateful bitch. I took her round flowers and she moaned that they were morbid. I thought she would like some flowers arranged to say Mum... it ain't my fault, there ain't much choice at Mill Hill Cemetry on a Sunday morning!

I'd have been pleased if I got somethink like that... all I got was an empty cigarette packet stuffed full of bits of Russell's tail hair and fag butts from Little Winston Jr.

Hello China!

Me nerdy mate Tyler, who lives in the flat below, tells me that people are viewing me site from all over the world. Apparently I have friends in China from Taipei, Chengdu, Jinan and even somewhere called somethink like Ping-a-ling!

Other than the man in me local Chinese Takeway I don't actually know any Chinese people. In fact I am not sure that he is actually Chinese, as he said he comes from Peckham. Though he is ever so nice, as he always gives little Winston Jr the left over batter from the sweet and sour chicken balls.

I ain't ever been to China, though I've been to China Town in London and I do like your food. So to all me new friends from China, Welcome!

Russell

Seriously, does no one want him?

He's only had two owners, me and little Winston Jr, and before that some dirty little gypsy man from Margate, who we rescued him from, as he looked like the sort to do pervy stuff with animals.

I would keep him here as he is ever so friendly, but we just aint got the room, and I am sick of waking up in the middle of the night with his tail in me mouth and slipping in his shit when I get up for a waz.

National No Smoking Day

Balls to it!

It's bad enough that on the 1st July we're no longer going to be allowed to smoke in our locals, thanks to that bloody Tony Blair... I would have thought he would have liked us smoking, seeing the amount of money he makes off our fags.

Well Tone, I am gonna be smoking away today and up until 1st July, but you aint gonna be getting a penny from me fags, as me mate Shaniqua has moved to Lanzarote and is gonna post me fags from now on!

Thanks Ken

I am right annoyed. I got a fine in the post today cos that bloody Ken Livingstone's gone and extended the congestion charging zone! Well thanks a bunch... 80 quid is a lot of money to a single mother on benefit. I was gonna spend this weeks benefit on the new Grand Theft Auto Game for little Winston Jr's X Box, me weeks supply of Lambert and Butler and Jammy Dodgers, instead it's gonna end up in that greedy bastards piggy bank.

Don't the government get enough tax off us from our fags and booze! I hope you're happy Ken, I have a very unhappy little boy here.

Lovely Louis gets the Chop

Simon Cow has sacked little Louis Walsh from the X Factor. I'm not happy. I wanted to enter this year's competition and thought that Louis would be my ticket in there. I was going to perform my hit Flexy Sexy Man for them, along with my erotic dancin. I thought if I performed my bum wiggle for Louis, I would have a big chance of getting through.... now I'm going to have to focus my dance routine on Simon, who I always thought batted for the other side, but I guess he can't as he was engaged to that Sinitta and is always pictured in lap dancin clubs. Now I might have to do me nipple tassle routine instead (as even poofters like tits), which I ain't so keen on, as last time I practised I got severe lashings round me face and couldn't of the house for two weeks!

That Simon also sacked the lovely Kate Thornton. I really liked her and thought we could have become great friends. I wanted to help her restyle her hair so it weren't the same colour as her face. Poor little Winston Jr's gonna be well upset too, as every time she came on the telly he brought out his Kermit doll. The X Factor just aint gonna be the same again.

Enfield Poltergoose

Did any of you see the telly programme about the Enfield Poltergoose last night? I was forced to watch it cos Mr Branston's taken SKY away! It's alright for him being driven around in a big hot air balloon, I bet he don't even have cable, I bet he's got that SKY Plus.

Anyway, I had to watch that Poltergoose thing, cos little Winston Jr got into it, and was hoping that those girls heads might spin round like that girl from the Exorcist. It was a little disappointing really, as there weren't any swearing or head spinning, and you didn't get to see any actual poltergooses. I think those girls made it all up themselves to be honest, they seemed the sort, right common as muck.

We have a poltergoose in this house. I'm not sure yet whether he swings both ways or not, as it's always trying to climb into bed with me at night and little Winston Jr's always complaining that something yanks the covers off him at night (though it could be Russell as he's been shitting a lot of feathers recently).

I think I would get that rentakill in like they did on Ghostbusters, rather than those science men that went to that house in Enfield, as they get rid of the ghosts with some zapper, rather than just taking round a tape recorder and trying to talk to it and get it to do tricks for over a year!

Adopt a Donkey

Russell the donkey needs a new home... so if anyone wants him please feel free to come and get him. Me and little Winston Jr ain't got enough room in our flat for him anymore. Me electric keeps going cos he's always pissin over me plug sockets and I'm sick of not being able to watch Supermarket Sweep cos he keeps havin epileptic fits and knockin over me telly.

Not like those adoption companies on the telly and interweb, you'll actually get a real donkey, some left over straw (not the stuff he's already crapped on) and I'll throw in a picture that little Winston Jr drew of him as well, all for 40 quid (or 200 Lambert and Butler).

If you can give Russell a home, you will need to call after midnight or whenever The Sopranos finishes so that little Winston Jr's in bed as I ain't told him the donkey has got to go yet.

Never trust a man with a beard

I can't believe it. I turn on me TV today, flick through me channels, up down, up down.... and I can't find it anywhere... where the bloody hell has SKY gone? I wanted to give Little Winston Jr his daily dose of Star Trek, but guess what, bloody Richard Branston has only gone and fallen out with the people at SKY.

I really don't know what to do, I can't get a SKY dish as I'm on the 29th floor and me NTL box was a knock off, so I can hardly complain to Richard about it. Life ain't easy when you live so high up in the world and the lift don't work, to get to the bottom you have to wade through condoms, needles and piss. So I spend most of me days indoors and plan me time around Jeremy Kyle, This Morning, EastEnders, Montel, The Simpsons, Ready Steady Cook, 24, and Lost....now everything is completely screwed up. I don't know whether I am coming or going.

Little Winston Jr is in a right state, as he can't get to sleep unless he has watched his daily dose of Star Trek, for some reason he finds Captain Spock's ears therapeutic, I think it's cos his Dad has similar ears, though his are more chocolate coloured, not the dark kind, the milk kind.

That Richard Branston has a lot to answer for, so I for one am gonna stop buying his pickle!

Bionic Woman

I heard this morning that Zoe Slater from Eastenders (the one whose mum is also her sister) is now going to be the Bionic Woman!
I am a little bit miffed to say the least. I have spent the last few years fighting crime on me estate. The crime round here was dreadful, someone even stole me shagging rabbit statue from me front garden once, which is a task in itself seeing as it's a window box on the 29th floor. So I decided to become a vigilante, fighting crime at night and setting traps during the day.

I have taken it really seriously, I even have a costume, it’s like that one that duck faced woman from Batman has. I started off with a knitted mohair all in one catsuit, but it weren’t no good, as the crotch went all baggy and it was ever so itchy when I was running around at night. So I now have a permanent hire of an all in one PVC catsuit from me local fancy dress shop. It’s great, it’s really slinky and snug, and me boobs in it look like they did when I was 18.

I even went to a local builders merchants and picked up some suckers, so I can climb up the sides of buildings, though I have found out they are only good on glass buildings and don’t work on brick, which ain’t so good when you’re trying to climb up a tower block in the middle of the night. I have even tried to get some spiderman shooters but no one seems to do them.

I don’t really think it is fair that that girl with the bloody awful hair has been asked to be the next Bionic Woman, it makes me so mad. I have really put my heart into being as good a crime fighter as I can be, it ain’t easy working the streets at night I can tell you. So I am starting a petition to get me cast as the Bionic Woman instead of that Zoe Slater, all she was before was a prossie and a lesbian.