Never trust a man with a beard

I can't believe it. I turn on me TV today, flick through me channels, up down, up down.... and I can't find it anywhere... where the bloody hell has SKY gone? I wanted to give Little Winston Jr his daily dose of Star Trek, but guess what, bloody Richard Branston has only gone and fallen out with the people at SKY.

I really don't know what to do, I can't get a SKY dish as I'm on the 29th floor and me NTL box was a knock off, so I can hardly complain to Richard about it. Life ain't easy when you live so high up in the world and the lift don't work, to get to the bottom you have to wade through condoms, needles and piss. So I spend most of me days indoors and plan me time around Jeremy Kyle, This Morning, EastEnders, Montel, The Simpsons, Ready Steady Cook, 24, and Lost....now everything is completely screwed up. I don't know whether I am coming or going.

Little Winston Jr is in a right state, as he can't get to sleep unless he has watched his daily dose of Star Trek, for some reason he finds Captain Spock's ears therapeutic, I think it's cos his Dad has similar ears, though his are more chocolate coloured, not the dark kind, the milk kind.

That Richard Branston has a lot to answer for, so I for one am gonna stop buying his pickle!