Hello China!

Me nerdy mate Tyler, who lives in the flat below, tells me that people are viewing me site from all over the world. Apparently I have friends in China from Taipei, Chengdu, Jinan and even somewhere called somethink like Ping-a-ling!

Other than the man in me local Chinese Takeway I don't actually know any Chinese people. In fact I am not sure that he is actually Chinese, as he said he comes from Peckham. Though he is ever so nice, as he always gives little Winston Jr the left over batter from the sweet and sour chicken balls.

I ain't ever been to China, though I've been to China Town in London and I do like your food. So to all me new friends from China, Welcome!

Russell

Seriously, does no one want him?

He's only had two owners, me and little Winston Jr, and before that some dirty little gypsy man from Margate, who we rescued him from, as he looked like the sort to do pervy stuff with animals.

I would keep him here as he is ever so friendly, but we just aint got the room, and I am sick of waking up in the middle of the night with his tail in me mouth and slipping in his shit when I get up for a waz.

National No Smoking Day

Balls to it!

It's bad enough that on the 1st July we're no longer going to be allowed to smoke in our locals, thanks to that bloody Tony Blair... I would have thought he would have liked us smoking, seeing the amount of money he makes off our fags.

Well Tone, I am gonna be smoking away today and up until 1st July, but you aint gonna be getting a penny from me fags, as me mate Shaniqua has moved to Lanzarote and is gonna post me fags from now on!

Thanks Ken

I am right annoyed. I got a fine in the post today cos that bloody Ken Livingstone's gone and extended the congestion charging zone! Well thanks a bunch... 80 quid is a lot of money to a single mother on benefit. I was gonna spend this weeks benefit on the new Grand Theft Auto Game for little Winston Jr's X Box, me weeks supply of Lambert and Butler and Jammy Dodgers, instead it's gonna end up in that greedy bastards piggy bank.

Don't the government get enough tax off us from our fags and booze! I hope you're happy Ken, I have a very unhappy little boy here.

Lovely Louis gets the Chop

Simon Cow has sacked little Louis Walsh from the X Factor. I'm not happy. I wanted to enter this year's competition and thought that Louis would be my ticket in there. I was going to perform my hit Flexy Sexy Man for them, along with my erotic dancin. I thought if I performed my bum wiggle for Louis, I would have a big chance of getting through.... now I'm going to have to focus my dance routine on Simon, who I always thought batted for the other side, but I guess he can't as he was engaged to that Sinitta and is always pictured in lap dancin clubs. Now I might have to do me nipple tassle routine instead (as even poofters like tits), which I ain't so keen on, as last time I practised I got severe lashings round me face and couldn't of the house for two weeks!

That Simon also sacked the lovely Kate Thornton. I really liked her and thought we could have become great friends. I wanted to help her restyle her hair so it weren't the same colour as her face. Poor little Winston Jr's gonna be well upset too, as every time she came on the telly he brought out his Kermit doll. The X Factor just aint gonna be the same again.

Enfield Poltergoose

Did any of you see the telly programme about the Enfield Poltergoose last night? I was forced to watch it cos Mr Branston's taken SKY away! It's alright for him being driven around in a big hot air balloon, I bet he don't even have cable, I bet he's got that SKY Plus.

Anyway, I had to watch that Poltergoose thing, cos little Winston Jr got into it, and was hoping that those girls heads might spin round like that girl from the Exorcist. It was a little disappointing really, as there weren't any swearing or head spinning, and you didn't get to see any actual poltergooses. I think those girls made it all up themselves to be honest, they seemed the sort, right common as muck.

We have a poltergoose in this house. I'm not sure yet whether he swings both ways or not, as it's always trying to climb into bed with me at night and little Winston Jr's always complaining that something yanks the covers off him at night (though it could be Russell as he's been shitting a lot of feathers recently).

I think I would get that rentakill in like they did on Ghostbusters, rather than those science men that went to that house in Enfield, as they get rid of the ghosts with some zapper, rather than just taking round a tape recorder and trying to talk to it and get it to do tricks for over a year!

Adopt a Donkey

Russell the donkey needs a new home... so if anyone wants him please feel free to come and get him. Me and little Winston Jr ain't got enough room in our flat for him anymore. Me electric keeps going cos he's always pissin over me plug sockets and I'm sick of not being able to watch Supermarket Sweep cos he keeps havin epileptic fits and knockin over me telly.

Not like those adoption companies on the telly and interweb, you'll actually get a real donkey, some left over straw (not the stuff he's already crapped on) and I'll throw in a picture that little Winston Jr drew of him as well, all for 40 quid (or 200 Lambert and Butler).

If you can give Russell a home, you will need to call after midnight or whenever The Sopranos finishes so that little Winston Jr's in bed as I ain't told him the donkey has got to go yet.