My New Shoes

I love em. It took me ages to get a pair in me size, as every kid on the estate was down JD Sports getting em.

Thankfully me mate Wayne came across a pair of size 4's on his last 'shopping spree' in Chigwell. He got lucky and come across a right posh house that was having some kiddies birthday so whilst they were playing pin the tail on the donkey he managed to get in and nick all the presents.

Little Winston Jr thought Christmas had come early, we got a Mr Frosty, Operation, 2 Bratz Dolls, a Pink Nintendo DS and five games. I'm delighted as I finally got me Heely shoes, so I can now do knock and run and get a head start. Especially if I am posting Russell's shit through me annoying Neightbours doors.

International Donkey Week!

It's international donkey week.... can you believe it, a whole week dedicated to donkeys.

Little Winston Jr and I have decorated our flat and got party hats etc.. for Russell. We even made him a cake, well me brother made it, though the silly bugger didn't tell me it was a hash cake and poor Russell ended up having an epileptic fit and little Winston Jr ate all me cheese.

What I don't get is that apparently, according to The Donkey Sanctuary, they have a waiting list for people that want donkeys... I aint had any offers for Russell, not one, and doubt that I will now seeing as that since that bloody cake his fits have become more frequent! I can't afford to keep buying the foam to attach to his hooves, so he don't do anymore damage to me flat!

From Smary to Barmy

I just don't get it?

If Scotland declared themselves as independent from the UK elections, then why when Tony Blair retires are we ending up with a Scottish Man running our country? It just doesn't seem right. If those Scottish people didn't want to be a part of our government anymore, why are we ending up with their dregs?

Shouldn't we be allowed to vote for the new leader of our country? I myself would have voted for that man with the dog. He always seemed ever so nice to me, as there ain't many men who show so much commitment to an animal, he went everywhere with that dog. Whatever happened to him?

It's a shame that really nice man they named that Bitter after died, as I always wanted him to be PM. He looked like he had soft hands, before he died that was, I should imagine by now they are rather decayed or just bones with a little bit of flesh left on them.

I'm back

Yes, it been ages, and I'm sorry. That bloody Richard Branston cut off Tylers cable cos we was protesting at having no SKY channels, which means he no longer has Wireless I can piggyback on. I knew we should have just stopped buying his pickle.

It's taken me the last four weeks to crack the passwords that me selfish neighbours have on their broadband - but finally I have managed to work out Mr Theodopolopodis' by going through the menu at the local Greek restaurant, fat git.

I never got enough money to go to the US of A, as me take over of Cash Converters didn't go to plan, as it turns out the reason they shut down was cos all the stuff was knock off... so all I ended up making was £30.48 selling knock off fags to the local kids.

No one has made any offers for Russell, nothing...

But I am now back, so look out for me updates!

Coming To America!

I am so excited! Tyler the geek who lives downstairs, tells me I now have friends in America! So last night I made up me mind that I'm gonna come and see y'all! I've always wanted to go America, especially Dallas, after that film dedicated to me name, though I spell mine with one B and no E.

So me plan is to fly to New York and then do a little road trip across America, like that Thelma and Louise, though I'll be keeping away from the edge of cliffs.

The only problem is Russell, none of the airlines will take him, and I ain't got no one to look after him. So unless I can persuade American Airlines that he's not a donkey, little Winston Jr's going to have to stay at home and look after him.

Apparently I could send Russell by boat but I can only swim with armbands and after seeing that Titanic film I'm too scared to even go on a pedalo.

Now I've just gotta find the money to go... luckily the local Cash Converters closed down recently for selling stolen goods, so I think I'll take over that market and hopefully I'll be able to afford the plane ticket in the next week!

Another One

I mean really, are they mad? Who the hell would want four kids under the age of five?

Little Winston Jr is a right little shit at times, and he's got Asparagus syndrome, so I'm a lucky one! I dread to think what Brad and Angie's must be like... and I am not sure how they would be able to talk to the kids, as they would all speak a different language.

Though if I could afford a plane ticket to somewhere exotic, I would buy a baby, as it would be worth the investment, as that Tony Blair gives out more money once you've got more than one kid, and even more if you bought one that was disabled, though that ain't no good to me as the lift here still don't work, so god knows how i'd get it up 29 flights of stairs.

Mothers Day

Yesterday was dire as I had to put up with me Mum and Gran, who stinks of piss cos her bag keeps leaking, all bloody day.

Me Mum is a right ungrateful bitch. I took her round flowers and she moaned that they were morbid. I thought she would like some flowers arranged to say Mum... it ain't my fault, there ain't much choice at Mill Hill Cemetry on a Sunday morning!

I'd have been pleased if I got somethink like that... all I got was an empty cigarette packet stuffed full of bits of Russell's tail hair and fag butts from Little Winston Jr.

Hello China!

Me nerdy mate Tyler, who lives in the flat below, tells me that people are viewing me site from all over the world. Apparently I have friends in China from Taipei, Chengdu, Jinan and even somewhere called somethink like Ping-a-ling!

Other than the man in me local Chinese Takeway I don't actually know any Chinese people. In fact I am not sure that he is actually Chinese, as he said he comes from Peckham. Though he is ever so nice, as he always gives little Winston Jr the left over batter from the sweet and sour chicken balls.

I ain't ever been to China, though I've been to China Town in London and I do like your food. So to all me new friends from China, Welcome!

Russell

Seriously, does no one want him?

He's only had two owners, me and little Winston Jr, and before that some dirty little gypsy man from Margate, who we rescued him from, as he looked like the sort to do pervy stuff with animals.

I would keep him here as he is ever so friendly, but we just aint got the room, and I am sick of waking up in the middle of the night with his tail in me mouth and slipping in his shit when I get up for a waz.

National No Smoking Day

Balls to it!

It's bad enough that on the 1st July we're no longer going to be allowed to smoke in our locals, thanks to that bloody Tony Blair... I would have thought he would have liked us smoking, seeing the amount of money he makes off our fags.

Well Tone, I am gonna be smoking away today and up until 1st July, but you aint gonna be getting a penny from me fags, as me mate Shaniqua has moved to Lanzarote and is gonna post me fags from now on!

Thanks Ken

I am right annoyed. I got a fine in the post today cos that bloody Ken Livingstone's gone and extended the congestion charging zone! Well thanks a bunch... 80 quid is a lot of money to a single mother on benefit. I was gonna spend this weeks benefit on the new Grand Theft Auto Game for little Winston Jr's X Box, me weeks supply of Lambert and Butler and Jammy Dodgers, instead it's gonna end up in that greedy bastards piggy bank.

Don't the government get enough tax off us from our fags and booze! I hope you're happy Ken, I have a very unhappy little boy here.

Lovely Louis gets the Chop

Simon Cow has sacked little Louis Walsh from the X Factor. I'm not happy. I wanted to enter this year's competition and thought that Louis would be my ticket in there. I was going to perform my hit Flexy Sexy Man for them, along with my erotic dancin. I thought if I performed my bum wiggle for Louis, I would have a big chance of getting through.... now I'm going to have to focus my dance routine on Simon, who I always thought batted for the other side, but I guess he can't as he was engaged to that Sinitta and is always pictured in lap dancin clubs. Now I might have to do me nipple tassle routine instead (as even poofters like tits), which I ain't so keen on, as last time I practised I got severe lashings round me face and couldn't of the house for two weeks!

That Simon also sacked the lovely Kate Thornton. I really liked her and thought we could have become great friends. I wanted to help her restyle her hair so it weren't the same colour as her face. Poor little Winston Jr's gonna be well upset too, as every time she came on the telly he brought out his Kermit doll. The X Factor just aint gonna be the same again.

Enfield Poltergoose

Did any of you see the telly programme about the Enfield Poltergoose last night? I was forced to watch it cos Mr Branston's taken SKY away! It's alright for him being driven around in a big hot air balloon, I bet he don't even have cable, I bet he's got that SKY Plus.

Anyway, I had to watch that Poltergoose thing, cos little Winston Jr got into it, and was hoping that those girls heads might spin round like that girl from the Exorcist. It was a little disappointing really, as there weren't any swearing or head spinning, and you didn't get to see any actual poltergooses. I think those girls made it all up themselves to be honest, they seemed the sort, right common as muck.

We have a poltergoose in this house. I'm not sure yet whether he swings both ways or not, as it's always trying to climb into bed with me at night and little Winston Jr's always complaining that something yanks the covers off him at night (though it could be Russell as he's been shitting a lot of feathers recently).

I think I would get that rentakill in like they did on Ghostbusters, rather than those science men that went to that house in Enfield, as they get rid of the ghosts with some zapper, rather than just taking round a tape recorder and trying to talk to it and get it to do tricks for over a year!

Adopt a Donkey

Russell the donkey needs a new home... so if anyone wants him please feel free to come and get him. Me and little Winston Jr ain't got enough room in our flat for him anymore. Me electric keeps going cos he's always pissin over me plug sockets and I'm sick of not being able to watch Supermarket Sweep cos he keeps havin epileptic fits and knockin over me telly.

Not like those adoption companies on the telly and interweb, you'll actually get a real donkey, some left over straw (not the stuff he's already crapped on) and I'll throw in a picture that little Winston Jr drew of him as well, all for 40 quid (or 200 Lambert and Butler).

If you can give Russell a home, you will need to call after midnight or whenever The Sopranos finishes so that little Winston Jr's in bed as I ain't told him the donkey has got to go yet.

Never trust a man with a beard

I can't believe it. I turn on me TV today, flick through me channels, up down, up down.... and I can't find it anywhere... where the bloody hell has SKY gone? I wanted to give Little Winston Jr his daily dose of Star Trek, but guess what, bloody Richard Branston has only gone and fallen out with the people at SKY.

I really don't know what to do, I can't get a SKY dish as I'm on the 29th floor and me NTL box was a knock off, so I can hardly complain to Richard about it. Life ain't easy when you live so high up in the world and the lift don't work, to get to the bottom you have to wade through condoms, needles and piss. So I spend most of me days indoors and plan me time around Jeremy Kyle, This Morning, EastEnders, Montel, The Simpsons, Ready Steady Cook, 24, and Lost....now everything is completely screwed up. I don't know whether I am coming or going.

Little Winston Jr is in a right state, as he can't get to sleep unless he has watched his daily dose of Star Trek, for some reason he finds Captain Spock's ears therapeutic, I think it's cos his Dad has similar ears, though his are more chocolate coloured, not the dark kind, the milk kind.

That Richard Branston has a lot to answer for, so I for one am gonna stop buying his pickle!

Bionic Woman

I heard this morning that Zoe Slater from Eastenders (the one whose mum is also her sister) is now going to be the Bionic Woman!
I am a little bit miffed to say the least. I have spent the last few years fighting crime on me estate. The crime round here was dreadful, someone even stole me shagging rabbit statue from me front garden once, which is a task in itself seeing as it's a window box on the 29th floor. So I decided to become a vigilante, fighting crime at night and setting traps during the day.

I have taken it really seriously, I even have a costume, it’s like that one that duck faced woman from Batman has. I started off with a knitted mohair all in one catsuit, but it weren’t no good, as the crotch went all baggy and it was ever so itchy when I was running around at night. So I now have a permanent hire of an all in one PVC catsuit from me local fancy dress shop. It’s great, it’s really slinky and snug, and me boobs in it look like they did when I was 18.

I even went to a local builders merchants and picked up some suckers, so I can climb up the sides of buildings, though I have found out they are only good on glass buildings and don’t work on brick, which ain’t so good when you’re trying to climb up a tower block in the middle of the night. I have even tried to get some spiderman shooters but no one seems to do them.

I don’t really think it is fair that that girl with the bloody awful hair has been asked to be the next Bionic Woman, it makes me so mad. I have really put my heart into being as good a crime fighter as I can be, it ain’t easy working the streets at night I can tell you. So I am starting a petition to get me cast as the Bionic Woman instead of that Zoe Slater, all she was before was a prossie and a lesbian.

Big Brother

I have just sat down with a cuppa tea and some jammy dodgers to enjoy this weeks Heat Magazine, only to be put right off. I don't mean to be funny, but I ain't half sick of this whole Big Brother racist stuff still being in the news... I mean seriously, I know what it is like to have people being racist, my Winston's Mum and Dad won't even come and visit little Winston Jr cos he is a half breed, and the woman in me local newsagents the other day called him a 'little monkey'.

Anyway, I was annoyed to hear that Jo from S Club (I still aint sure if it's a boy or a girl) is all upset cos since he/she has left the Big Brother house he/she has been having nightmares about mirrors and helicopters... yes mirrors and helicopters. Christ love get a grip, you should be here on a night when I have something that climbs into me bed, and believe me it ain't human, and I don't like anyone coming into my bed univited.

But really is Jo mad? She's been living the life of riley since she come out that house, she's been staying in some plush hotel with room service and everything, and I bet she got free porn. And cos she's been so scared for her life she's lost nearly two stone. If I could lose two stone in a month I would be over the moon, so I really don't know what she's moaning about.

Britney

Poor old Britney, my third favourite pop princess, after Tiffany and Debbie Gibson, is having a terrible time at the moment. I wish the newspapers would leave her alone. Having two children, well one was taken into care, I know what it is like to be a single Mum. It's hard work. I don't blame her for shaving all her hair off. If I could make thousands of pounds on ebay for shaving off my hair I would!

What people don't realise is that being a Mum is hard work. You have to think about the little buggers all the time. My Tameesha used to be a right nightmare, always crying and wanting attention. Thankfully little Winston Jr has something they call Asparagus Syndrome so he ain't so bad, as he likes spending time on his own. But I can tell you now if I had the money I would be checking myself into that Treatment Center where Britney is. It's sounds so lovely, no kiddies to look after, its got a few pools and one with bubbles, the bedrooms come with huge super king size beds, plasma tv's and free dvd's and everything, though I don't think you are allowed to watch porn, as I guess some of the people going there are sex addicts, like that man that is married to that Catherine Zeta Jones.

I am quite jealous of Britney really, as she can have different hairstyle everyday. They do some wonderful wigs. I used to like the ones on Shepherds Bush Market... I heard that Gail Porter used to get her hair from there.

Magicians Assistant

Over the last few years I have been wanting to make some money, so I have been looking into different ways of doing that without having to do some dreadful job. Believe me after two days working in a condom factory and a terrible allergic reaction to the rubber, with not even a chance to test out the products, I decided to never again take a job I don't enjoy.

So after a lot of thinking, I decided that I need a job where I can use my skills from previous jobs, which have only really been singing, dancing, stripping and a bit of escorting. That is when I decided that a way of doing all of those things is to be a Magicians Assistant, look at that Debbie Magoo!

So yesterday I went along to the Blackpool Magic Convention. I hadn't been to Blackpool before, it makes Margate look posh. I loved the fact that everywhere you go there you can smoke.

The magic convention was very good. I got to see all the different acts, some of which were very good and some which were rubbish, especially some smarmy git who was meant to be able to read minds, which he can't, as all I was thinking was that I could tell he would expect me to do dirty favours to him if I was his assistant.

The good thing about going was that I got to by some new props for my act. The first thing I got hold of there was some Dove Pans, these are pans where you can magic out Dove's from... I still haven't got the hang of it yet though, but it aint to bad as I am not using real doves, I am using Pigeons.

So far I have got through six pigeons already today. The first one lost his beak, the second ones head got crushed, the third ones legs got ripped off, I won't even describe what happened to the other three. I definately need more practise before I can use it as a part of my Magician's Assistant demonstration.

I am hoping that in time for next years Magic Convention I will be ready to give a demonstration of my magic skills. Little Winston Jr loves it, he has spent all morning playing with this flash paper stuff that just sets itself alight, though I weren't impressed when he nearly set light to me net curtains!